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Leslie de Graaf

Advocate for Wellness

The Heartbreak of Never Getting the Apology You Deserve

April 15, 2020 ·

Apology

 

As a counselor, I can’t tell you how heartbreaking it is to hear clients say things like, “I just want them to say they’re sorry.”  Does this sound familiar?  Have you been waiting, for what seems like an eternity, to hear the same thing?  Maybe you found your way to my website because you want answers and you’re looking for a sincere apology, too. You simply want the person who hurt you to say they are sorry and mean it.  I understand that desire and you are not alone.

Values

We’re taught values from our parents when we’re growing up like respect, honesty, determination, responsibility, kindness, compassion, integrity, and justice, just to name a few.  These values act as our moral compass and help guide us on our journey throughout life.  What happens then when behaviors and actions conflict with these values?  For example, what happens when someone hurts us?  We fall back on our value of justice, which means doing and acting correctly and making amends through a deserved punishment.

When I was a child and my brother pushed me down and hurt me, my parents comforted me, had a harsh talk with him explaining why what he did was wrong in order for him to learn empathy, told him to apologize, and then asked him to go to his room for timeout.  Was I still physically hurt?  Yes.  But, did I feel better emotionally?  Yes.  Why? Because the punishment fit the crime.  The punishment that affected my brother didn’t make my scraped and bleeding knee go away, but it did make me feel emotionally better. The bottom line is, Lady Justice prevailed, and all became right in my world.

The Hard Question

We are all seekers of balance and harmony, especially when it comes to our emotions.  As adults, if a past hurt is heavy on our hearts, we still may be looking for our offenders to right the wrong.  That creates the balance and harmony we so desire.  An apology is what is deserved and therefore an apology should come, right?  In a just world, yes, that is true.  Unfortunately, we all know this is not always a just world,  Therefore, the question then becomes, are we really waiting on an apology that may never come?  That’s the hard question.  That’s the question that is so painful to deal with emotionally.  That question leads to big inhales, closed eyes, dropped shoulders, and very often, tears. And the answer is…you may never get an apology.  As hard as it is to hear, that may be the answer.  And, yes, it’s sad.  It’s heartbreaking.  It shouldn’t be.  Not in a just world.

The Waiting Game

As simple as an apology may seem, it may not be so simple at all to those who have caused the hurt. Why are those two words, “I’m sorry,” so hard to say?  It’s two words!  Two.  Doesn’t the value of justice warrant an apology?  Yes.  But you may wait for a lifetime and never get the apology you so rightly deserve. That’s the hard truth.  Much of it has to do with cognitive dissonance.  I’ll write about that in my next post.  For now, keep reading and I’ll explain what you can do to move forward.

Have you ever heard the saying, “You can’t rush a river”?  We all know, for the most part, a river does as it likes.  The same goes with people as it pertains to awareness and change.  We cannot make someone be a certain way and we can’t rush growth.  One reason you may never get an apology boils down to the fact that the person who hurt you may not be emotionally mature enough, no matter their age.  The only thing we can do is process the emotions that are holding us back, establish healthy boundaries, and begin working on ourselves.

 

   

     The heartbreak of never getting an apology may be your painful reality.  I’ll end with this question: is it now time for you to end the waiting game, to release some of the pain you’ve been holding on to, and begin your own self healing journey?  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  It comes in the form of balance and harmony.  I would be happy to walk hand-in-hand with you on this new path, gently leading the way. Contact me today to set up an appointment.

Call me at 225-570-1331 to schedule your appointment

Posted by lesliedegraaf / Filed In: Health
Tagged: apology, counselor, heartbreaking, values

Creating Yourself

January 29, 2019 ·

“Life is not about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself”

George Bernard Shaw

In the midst of motherhood, it is so easy to feel a sense of disconnect, as if we’re lost and unable to remember who we were before kids. This is a natural occurrence as each new phase of motherhood pushes us into uncharted territory.

In Part 1 of this series, I talked about feeling lost when my sons entered into their teenage years. When children are small, they need us all the time and for everything. As they get older, they begin to need us less and less. As they spread their independent wings, so much of our identity has been tied to taking of care of them, that we feel perplexed and a little lost.

Our New Role

What do we do with all this free time? What is our role now?

During this new phase, it’s not uncommon for moms to question their purpose. After all, we’ve been so concentrated on being caretakers for everyone else, that we forget what it means to take care of ourselves.

If you’re a mom and you’re wondering as I was, Now, who am I?, you are not alone. And the great news is….you are not lost either! The same young woman you were before children is still there. You just may have to do a little digging to find her.

Creating Yourself

Creating yourself and connecting to your essence should be the focus for this new time in your life. To help you “remember” who you were, here are some suggestions:

  1. Put on some of your favorite music
  2. Go out to lunch/dinner with a girlfriend
  3. Go to your favorite bookstore and pick out a book that interests you
  4. Treat yourself to an ice cream or yogurt
  5. Take a relaxing walk and soak up the beauty around you
  6. Try a yoga, Barre or exercise class
  7. Buy yourself a journal and write down your dreams
  8. Listen to a podcast that interests you
  9. Schedule a mani/pedi
  10. Get a massage

Use this time to re-discover the “not-so-lost” you. You are the painter with the paintbrush in your hand. What picture will you paint? What is your masterpiece going to look like when it’s complete? What do you want to accomplish and what are your biggest dreams?

Share with me what you plan on creating for your future below in the comments.

 

Posted by lesliedegraaf / Filed In: Health

Getting Lost in Motherhood

December 20, 2018 ·

Getting Lost in Motherhood

“Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves” – Henry David Thoreau

   Do you remember what your life was like before kids?  What did you do on a daily basis, what took up your time and what kind of things did you enjoy doing?  It’s hard to step back in those shoes and recall the day-to-day responsibilities of what seems so long ago.  At least for me it does. As you examine your life now, my question for you is….did you lose yourself along the way?  Did you get lost in motherhood? Are you lost in motherhood right now?

Our Role as Mothers

    Motherhood is full of adapting and morphing into different roles.  We are forced to learn that from the get-go. I remember bringing my oldest son home from the hospital and being alone with him for the first day. I woke up the next morning and thought, “What am I supposed to do?  No one really trained me how to do this really important job.” Before bringing him home, I felt like a child, free to do as I liked. Parenthood is definitely a big role change! We all figure it out step-by-step and we do what works best for us.  Each new day, each new year and each new age and stage of our children’s lives, reveals an uncharted path that we bravely walk.

    From referee, cook, personal attendant, caregiver, snot-wiper, diaper changer and cuddler, we are adept at anything and everything thrown our way.  We are the masters of multi-tasking and somehow always manage to keep all balls in the air. All the while, making sure our children are placed first.  After all, they desperately need us when they are young and that’s a task we gladly take on and take responsibility for.

     When I think of those early days, it’s as if I am pulling a big suitcase behind me full of everyone else’s possessions and needs.  Some days that suitcase is really heavy, sometimes it feels light and it’s effortless to pull around, and some days, it would be nice if it got lost in baggage claim for a couple hours so I could sit down and take a nap.  I know you understand. The one thing that never changes when you’re a parent is the suitcase is always there.

The Realization

    Then, there comes the day when the dreaded teenage years arrive.  I don’t think the suitcase gets any lighter, it just changes shape to something really hard to manage and navigate.  God bless mothers of teenagers. I’m just starting down that path with two of my own and some days I wake up and I question if they are really mine.  It’s as if one day a switch gets flipped and overnight they don’t want to hang out with you anymore, sweetness is replaced with sarcasm and their friends become the center of their world.

    I remember the day I realized I had got lost in motherhood.  Not so lost I couldn’t find my way out, but lost enough that I felt bewildered.  We had just moved back from Singapore, the boys returned to school full-time after being home with me for the summer and I was alone in a house on 10 acres with no friends or family.  I didn’t know what to do with myself. Have you ever been in a similar situation, place, or time when you realized your kids didn’t really need you so much anymore and you’re left standing there thinking, “Now what?”

    I think this is a very common experience for many mothers.  Slowly, along the way, we were getting lost in motherhood. It’s as if we erected houses and filled them with joy, laughter, to-do lists and routines and then one day, all the other occupants besides us leave. Not permanently, but for extended enough periods of time that we are left standing in a very quiet house wondering what we are supposed to be doing with ourselves.  Who are we?

Managing the Transition

    This feeling of being lost can be scary and it can also be a time of discovery.  Life is about perspective. Instead of focusing on what could make us feel lonely and sad, we have a choice to put a different frame around the situation and totally shift our emotions in a positive way.  

    Are you in this season of life now?  If so, what are you doing to manage the shift?  I urge you to use this time re-discover what you’re passionate about.  Let this period be a fun time and fill it with new experiences that push you out of your comfort zone and ultimately lead to health and happiness.    

Stay tuned for Part 2 of this article where I’ll share self-care strategies to help you better cope with change and steps you can take along the way to help you find yourself again.

Much love to you on your journey,

Leslie  

Posted by lesliedegraaf / Filed In: Health
Tagged: kids, lose yourself, motherhood

       
I specialize in anxiety and depression for women, teens, and young adults in Zachary, Louisiana. I'm a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and Certified Rehabilitation Counselor (CRC). Call (225) 570-1331 to schedule a free 10 minute consult or to make an appointment. I see clients in person and online.

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The Heartbreak of Never Getting the Apology You Deserve

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Leslie de Graaf, M.A., LPC, CRC
4787 Waywood Drive
Zachary, Louisiana 70791
(225) 570-1331

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