The Feelings Wheel and Reconnecting To Your Feelings

June 25, 2021 ·

The Feeling Wheel & The Importance of Reconnecting To Your Feelings

The pandemic has caused too many mental health issues to count. If you’re feeling completely stressed out during this time, more than ever, read on about The Feeling Wheel and how connecting to your feelings can be a way to help you reduce anxiety.

The pressures of being a woman and mother in today’s society can be overwhelming. Let’s start with the often unspoken expectations that we are to be the designated cook, chauffeur, cleaner, event planner, and all things concerning taking care of the inside of the house. Is this a sexist and outdated point of view? In my opinion, yes, it is. Are many women holding themselves or being held to these unrealistic and unfair expectations while trying to accomplish all these tasks on their own? Unfortunately, the answer is yes, as well.

Now, let’s up the ante and add to that exhausting list the fact that many women are working full-time jobs outside the home. This is not to say that being a stay-at-home mom is less demanding. It is not. It has its own unique challenges. However, for women who have decided to work outside the home due to their own choice or financial obligations, being forced to now work at home because of the pandemic is wreaking havoc on many women’s mental health, and understandably so. The pandemic, in general, is causing physical and emotional exhaustion because roles have been forced on us we wouldn’t have chosen ourselves.

Two words that sum up the feelings many women are experiencing right now are…overwhelm and exhaustion

And yet, because the things on our plate won’t get done unless we do it, we trudge on, ignore our feelings, and work like maniacs to make sure everyone is taken care of. Everyone but ourselves.

What this is causing is stress. This stress then builds up to the point where feelings of depression and anxiety just can’t be ignored anymore. This is the point where clients reach out for help. They want the stress to go away.

The question for me then becomes, how can you help me feel less stressed? One of the answers is…

Let’s work on reconnecting you to YOUR feelings

This, my friend, is considered one form of self-care. It’s not selfish. It’s a necessity in order for you to be the best version of yourself. After all, you need to replenish your water pitcher so you can continue filling everyone else’s cup, right? Of course. So, if you’re labeling self-care as selfish, I kindly and lovingly ask that you stop that thought right now and reframe it. It’s simply an act that provides you the nourishment and capacity to help yourself so you can serve others. It’s like going to the gas station to fill up your tank. Yes, it takes time, but our vehicles can’t run on air. We can’t run on an emotionally empty tank either.

As easy as reconnecting to your feelings may seem, this can be a challenge for many. Why? Because along the path of womanhood and motherhood, we can get lost and lose touch with who we are as individuals. We become so focused on the tasks and roles related to our jobs, our own and other’s expectations, being the best mother ever, and being there for everyone else, that we ignore our feelings, our needs, and our desires. Once we reach the point that things are out of control and we’re stressed beyond belief, we don’t even have the awareness to realize we’ve neglected ourselves and lost touch with being in tune with our feelings. To read about getting lost in motherhood, read my post about this topic here: https://lesliedegraaf.com/getting-lost-in-motherhood/

Feelings Are Like Thorns

Rather than casting your feelings aside, moving on, ignoring them and hoping they will go away, or pushing them down so far that you hope they’ll never resurface, I challenge you to notice them. Noticing them and placing value on them is very important. Do you know why?

Because feelings are like thorns.

Feelings, although they can’t be seen, are like thorns because they cause pain if not removed. If you have a thorn, the logical thing to do is pull it out. Once it’s out, the pain subsides. Feelings are energy. If the energy is bottled up and not processed, it can cause pain, too, just like a thorn.

The Feelings Wheel

To help clients reconnect to their feelings, I often share The Feeling Wheel developed by Dr. Gloria Wilcox. Below is a free copy provided by https://www.gottman.com/. In the middle are the six core feelings. Branching off from each one are more nuanced feelings associated with the core feeling. This feeling wheel can be used in different ways. One way, for example, would be to look at and identify a feeling you’ve been experiencing recently. Perhaps you have been in a really angry mood lately. Take a look at the feelings that fall outside of that main emotion. Could it be you feel hurt because someone has been unkind to you?

Identifying your feelings is the first step to reconnecting to yourself. Next, you need to become an investigator and think about the why. Spend some time each day to incorporate self-care by getting clear on how you feel. It’s an important step in reconnecting and helping to decrease anxiety.

For more information on The Feeling Wheel, check out this helpful article that explains the different ways it can be used.

As always, take care of yourself, and feel free to reach out to me should you feel like you need assistance on your journey. My number is 225-570-1331.

The Heartbreak of Never Getting the Apology You Deserve

April 15, 2020 ·

As a counselor, I can’t tell you how heartbreaking it is to hear clients say things like, “I just want them to say they’re sorry.” Does this sound familiar? Have you been waiting, for what seems like an eternity, to hear the same thing? Maybe you found your way to my website because you want answers and you’re looking for a sincere apology, too. You simply want the person who hurt you to say they are sorry and mean it. I understand that desire and you are not alone.

Values

We’re taught values from our parents when we’re growing up like respect, honesty, determination, responsibility, kindness, compassion, integrity, and justice, just to name a few. These values act as our moral compass and help guide us on our journey throughout life. What happens then when behaviors and actions conflict with these values? For example, what happens when someone hurts us? We fall back on our value of justice, which means doing and acting correctly and making amends through a deserved punishment.

When I was a child and my brother pushed me down and hurt me, my parents comforted me, had a harsh talk with him explaining why what he did was wrong in order for him to learn empathy, told him to apologize, and then asked him to go to his room for timeout. Was I still physically hurt? Yes. But, did I feel better emotionally? Yes. Why? Because the punishment fit the crime. The punishment that affected my brother didn’t make my scraped and bleeding knee go away, but it did make me feel emotionally better. The bottom line is, Lady Justice prevailed, and all became right in my world.

The Hard Question

We are all seekers of balance and harmony, especially when it comes to our emotions. As adults, if a past hurt is heavy on our hearts, we still may be looking for our offenders to right the wrong. That creates the balance and harmony we so desire. An apology is what is deserved and therefore an apology should come, right? In a just world, yes, that is true. Unfortunately, we all know this is not always a just world, Therefore, the question then becomes, are we really waiting on an apology that may never come? That’s the hard question. That’s the question that is so painful to deal with emotionally. That question leads to big inhales, closed eyes, dropped shoulders, and very often, tears. And the answer is…you may never get an apology. As hard as it is to hear, that may be the answer. And, yes, it’s sad. It’s heartbreaking. It shouldn’t be. Not in a just world.

The Waiting Game

As simple as an apology may seem, it may not be so simple at all to those who have caused the hurt. Why are those two words, “I’m sorry,” so hard to say? It’s two words! Two. Doesn’t the value of justice warrant an apology? Yes. But you may wait for a lifetime and never get the apology you so rightly deserve. That’s the hard truth. Much of it has to do with cognitive dissonance. I’ll write about that in my next post. For now, keep reading and I’ll explain what you can do to move forward.

Have you ever heard the saying, “You can’t rush a river”? We all know, for the most part, a river does as it likes. The same goes with people as it pertains to awareness and change. We cannot make someone be a certain way and we can’t rush growth. One reason you may never get an apology boils down to the fact that the person who hurt you may not be emotionally mature enough, no matter their age. The only thing we can do is process the emotions that are holding us back, establish healthy boundaries, and begin working on ourselves.

The heartbreak of never getting an apology may be your painful reality. I’ll end with this question: is it now time for you to end the waiting game, to release some of the pain you’ve been holding on to, and begin your own self healing journey? There is light at the end of the tunnel. It comes in the form of balance and harmony. I would be happy to walk hand-in-hand with you on this new path, gently leading the way. Contact me today to set up an appointment.

Call me at 225-570-1331 to schedule your appointment

Creating Yourself

January 29, 2019 ·

“Life is not about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself”
George Bernard Shaw

In the midst of motherhood, it is so easy to feel a sense of disconnect, as if we’re lost and unable to remember who we were before kids. This is a natural occurrence as each new phase of motherhood pushes us into uncharted territory.

In Part 1 of this series, I talked about feeling lost when my sons entered into their teenage years. When children are small, they need us all the time and for everything. As they get older, they begin to need us less and less. As they spread their independent wings, so much of our identity has been tied to taking of care of them, that we feel perplexed and a little lost.

Our New Role

What do we do with all this free time? What is our role now?

During this new phase, it’s not uncommon for moms to question their purpose. After all, we’ve been so concentrated on being caretakers for everyone else, that we forget what it means to take care of ourselves.

If you’re a mom and you’re wondering as I was, Now, who am I?, you are not alone. And the great news is….you are not lost either! The same young woman you were before children is still there. You just may have to do a little digging to find her.

Creating Yourself

Creating yourself and connecting to your essence should be the focus for this new time in your life. To help you “remember” who you were, here are some suggestions:

Put on some of your favorite music
Go out to lunch/dinner with a girlfriend
Go to your favorite bookstore and pick out a book that interests you
Treat yourself to an ice cream or yogurt
Take a relaxing walk and soak up the beauty around you
Try a yoga, Barre or exercise class
Buy yourself a journal and write down your dreams
Listen to a podcast that interests you
Schedule a mani/pedi
Get a massage

Use this time to re-discover the “not-so-lost” you. You are the painter with the paintbrush in your hand. What picture will you paint? What is your masterpiece going to look like when it’s complete? What do you want to accomplish and what are your biggest dreams?

Share with me what you plan on creating for your future below in the comments.

Getting Lost in Motherhood

December 20, 2018 ·

“Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves” – Henry David Thoreau

Do you remember what your life was like before kids? What did you do on a daily basis, what took up your time and what kind of things did you enjoy doing? It’s hard to step back in those shoes and recall the day-to-day responsibilities of what seems so long ago. At least for me it does. As you examine your life now, my question for you is….did you lose yourself along the way? Did you get lost in motherhood? Are you lost in motherhood right now?

Our Role as Mothers

Motherhood is full of adapting and morphing into different roles. We are forced to learn that from the get-go. I remember bringing my oldest son home from the hospital and being alone with him for the first day. I woke up the next morning and thought, “What am I supposed to do? No one really trained me how to do this really important job.” Before bringing him home, I felt like a child, free to do as I liked. Parenthood is definitely a big role change! We all figure it out step-by-step and we do what works best for us. Each new day, each new year and each new age and stage of our children’s lives, reveals an uncharted path that we bravely walk.

From referee, cook, personal attendant, caregiver, snot-wiper, diaper changer and cuddler, we are adept at anything and everything thrown our way. We are the masters of multi-tasking and somehow always manage to keep all balls in the air. All the while, making sure our children are placed first. After all, they desperately need us when they are young and that’s a task we gladly take on and take responsibility for.

When I think of those early days, it’s as if I am pulling a big suitcase behind me full of everyone else’s possessions and needs. Some days that suitcase is really heavy, sometimes it feels light and it’s effortless to pull around, and some days, it would be nice if it got lost in baggage claim for a couple hours so I could sit down and take a nap. I know you understand. The one thing that never changes when you’re a parent is the suitcase is always there.

The Realization

Then, there comes the day when the dreaded teenage years arrive. I don’t think the suitcase gets any lighter, it just changes shape to something really hard to manage and navigate. God bless mothers of teenagers. I’m just starting down that path with two of my own and some days I wake up and I question if they are really mine. It’s as if one day a switch gets flipped and overnight they don’t want to hang out with you anymore, sweetness is replaced with sarcasm and their friends become the center of their world.

I remember the day I realized I had got lost in motherhood. Not so lost I couldn’t find my way out, but lost enough that I felt bewildered. We had just moved back from Singapore, the boys returned to school full-time after being home with me for the summer and I was alone in a house on 10 acres with no friends or family. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Have you ever been in a similar situation, place, or time when you realized your kids didn’t really need you so much anymore and you’re left standing there thinking, “Now what?”

I think this is a very common experience for many mothers. Slowly, along the way, we were getting lost in motherhood. It’s as if we erected houses and filled them with joy, laughter, to-do lists and routines and then one day, all the other occupants besides us leave. Not permanently, but for extended enough periods of time that we are left standing in a very quiet house wondering what we are supposed to be doing with ourselves. Who are we?

Managing the Transition

This feeling of being lost can be scary and it can also be a time of discovery. Life is about perspective. Instead of focusing on what could make us feel lonely and sad, we have a choice to put a different frame around the situation and totally shift our emotions in a positive way.

Are you in this season of life now? If so, what are you doing to manage the shift? I urge you to use this time re-discover what you’re passionate about. Let this period be a fun time and fill it with new experiences that push you out of your comfort zone and ultimately lead to health and happiness.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of this article where I’ll share self-care strategies to help you better cope with change and steps you can take along the way to help you find yourself again.

Much love to you on your journey,

Leslie